Thursday, January 22, 2015

5 things I've said...

...and why I am so happy to be past our first year of marriage.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while because it's important and it's something that I personally struggled with. 

One mild fall evening, I sat in the bedroom of one of my best friends in tears, scared about my upcoming move to California, quitting my job, and just overall feeling overwhelmed with being a wife. Being completely honest - those first few months of marriage aren't all flowers and butterflies - it's a weird transition. It's not that I didn't know B, I dated him for 4 years before we said "I do." But marriage isn't dating. 

We're coming up(ish) on our 3rd wedding anniversary and it feels so much more exciting this year compared to the first year. I think both of us were excited that we merely survived year one.
  1. I am exhausted by endless decisions. Every little thing became a joint decision and if it didn't, it became a fight. There is definitely an adjustment period when it comes to having to consider the other person in everything you do. 
  2. You are putting the toilet paper on wrong. I can be mildly OCD about things where as my husband is more laid-back. Occasionally, his side of the bed tends to collect stuff; books, magazines, clothes, gadgets, you name it. It's drives me freaking crazy. But, I have learned where to pick my battles. He helps keep most of the house tidy, knowing I need it that way. So, between his hidden corner of the bedroom (unless there are guests over) and other small irritations due to my own OCD issues, it's important to let a few things go.
  3. I'm doing your laundry, cooking you dinner, and feeling completely submissive to you! This one took the most time and I think "time" is the best advice when it comes to overcoming this mindset. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, and did my own thing, and I felt like in just a few months that was completely taken away. No matter how much my husband supported and appreciated everything I did, this was my personal struggle. The more I fall in love with this man and the more I fall in love with the life we share, the less I care about fighting my independence and individual success. Now, I care about making a home my husband wants to come home to, focusing on what strengthens us as a team, and creating memories that we will cherish forever.
  4. I need a girls night. Ben and I are both social people. He has his friends, I have mine, and we have ours. It's important to have friends you can spend time with together and spend time with a part. Sometimes you just need a night out and you need to be okay with that about one another. It's not that the person doesn't want to be around you, but for the sanity of you both, you still need to maintain those other relationships.
  5. When does it stop becoming my bills, your bills, my money, your money? This one took a while to come to a common ground. I know it's different for all couples, but for us, its our money together. We spent a good part of the first year arguing over whether or not we would join accounts and give each other equal reins when it came to money. Looking back, I am thankful we did. I  would have much rather fought about finances than not talked about them at all. We are finally at a place that makes us comfortable and united.
All of that being said, your first year can be tough. And I would like to add, our marriage has been spent half a part, so it's still not always easy. But it has only gotten sweeter and I absolutely love being married to my husband, it's seriously my most favorite.thing.ever. After I got married, I felt guilty and blindsided by these emotions. My biggest hope is that someone who feels this way, finds this post and will have some peace knowing that, even if it's not normal (or maybe it is), you are not alone.

5 comments:

  1. We are coming up on Year 7 and still struggle with some of these things. I think, too, the fact that we were BOTH very independent for quite some time before getting married made it even more of a challenge. He was nearly 30, I was 25. We both owned homes and cars. We were both active duty with demanding jobs and we both deployed RIGHT after we tied the knot. Oh yeah, and we lived in different states almost the entire time we were dating! To make it even worse, in the first two years of marriage we went through THREE deployments between the two of us, so we were constantly "relearning" how to live together.... Now after two kids, two post-college degrees, and two cross-country moves, I'm re-entering the job force and we're navigating the changes THAT will bring to our family.... :-)

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  2. I love this post! My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now and the one big thing we've been struggling with is money. We're still in the long debate of whether to keep our bank accounts separate or to join them. I'm so excited for us to finally come to a decision on this, but for now, it's an issue.

    I also have the issue of trying to balance a full-time job, school, and being a new military wife. I've definitely caused a few unnecessary arguments with him over the fact that I'm working full-time, going to school full-time, AND cooking dinner, doing his laundry, and keeping the house clean. It can be exhausting. Luckily he's gotten better about helping me out more so I don't break down from the stress of it all.

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  3. isn't marriage funny like that? You are so excited to finally get married & then afterwards you're all like, "wait, whattt!?! I have to live with this person & do everything together for the rest. of. our. lives.!?!" haha, I love it, but it takes work & commitment. year one was good for us, and year 3 & 4 were just weird. haha, phases I think-- people go through them, and so do marriages. We used to fight about money a lot-- but as the time has gone on {married almost 6 years, together almost 12} money is something we don't seem to have many issues with, at least for now. His money is OUR money & the money I make is is MY money! haha, not really-- I share sometimes ;)
    I loved this post & congrats on coming up on year 3! You are amazing! Keep your chin up & on the days you just can't -- you go ahead and dive into that wine or better yet...some gelato!
    xo

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  4. Thank you for sharing this! I was nodding my head in agreement with each bullet point! I find that I go through an "adjustment period" of sorts in many areas of my life as a military spouse: of course marriage, but also new jobs, new friendships, etc. Have you found any books/websites that have been helpful in these transitions? I'm still transitioning from our PCS to San Diego and am trying to find some encouraging book or devotional that may help me find comfort when I find myself making issues out of the little things!!

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  5. I drive by that highway exit sign nearly everyday- on my way home from work! Akron, Ohio!

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